Ever been frowned upon, dismissed or accused of being an angry ‘b*tch’ because you’ve EXPRESSED your anger or, worse, just been yourself? Well, what’s a woman supposed to think and do about this? Anger is an emotion that, in fact, advocates for us when we need it and gets us out of trouble when we’re in it. Anger pushes us forward when we’re stuck.
So, my dear, find your fight song, take back your life and prove that you’re alright. Turn on your power! Blow past the injustices, the disappointments, the sense you have that you are not worthy…because you ARE. You have a right to take your place in life. Use that energy, and if it’s anger then that, too, to fuel your dreams!!! The world needs you.
Women Put Up With a Lot
It’s an old story. Women express anger for any reason, and the names start. The pooh-poohing of her begins. She’s shrill and out of control or worse. In fact, we could probably sit at the blackboard (or whiteboard in the 21st Century) and write down all the names women get called for expressing her anger, and it won’t be pretty…play these in your mind for a minute, because you know what they are.
Then think about what it is women have a justifiable right to be angry about. That’s it: discrimination and patronization on the job and in relationships sometimes, sexual harassment, underpayment for the same services rendered, fewer leadership opportunities.
I’m not even touching rape, domestic violence and murder but we know of the cases, and the odds are not in our favor. Let us not forget, too, that women in developing nations suffer a far worse fate by virtue of their poverty, isolation and the effects of a lack of education, resources, legal and practical support in traditional societies. Female genital mutilation is a persistent example of this in some countries, where women themselves are so affected by the misogyny they face that they are part of the systemic problem. It is infuriating. It should be infuriating. It should make us think, too, what the hell to do about it. For one, we should never forget what women suffer on this planet, near us and far from us.
I will never ever forget the impacts of the Taliban on women in Afghanistan. There are women today who live under similar regimes in many, many corners of this world and today reading about the case of a woman being sentenced to a more severe beating than her lover for breaking the ‘law’ in Indonesia reminds me that we must continually raise our heads above the surface of our own busy lives, voice our outrage and pay respects to those lives lost. If I could do more to help the liberation of women who find themselves in oppressive situations the world over, I most certainly would. More than once, I have donated money to women in countries where my dollar mattered to them far more than to me. I have also listened to their stories and documented them, too. Perhaps that’s a currency that may go farther one day.
What Happens to Us Collectively Also Affects Us Personally
Let’s talk about the subtle ways that women can be marginalized, too. Stand in one room where the men are taller and you know immediately who dominates a space. Sit with a man – and this is not a man-hating post, it’s just an article of facts – and you’ll find that the research conducted on who dominates the conversation is true: men up to75% of the time in mixed company. It’s quite shocking. I tested it once, too, and the woman who told me this literally brought her new boyfriend to the table…in a group of four, he as the only guy dominated the talk easily by over 50%.
This New York Times article on the stats and situations outlined above in the workplace is really worth the read. Arianna Huffington of Huffington Post and a board member of Uber spoke about the need for more women to be on the board…imagine the reaction. That would mean more talking by women. If you really examine this issue, the discrimination is galling.
So, women have lots of reasons to be angry. But let’s dial down to our own lives for a minute, too, where perhaps our extremes are different. For lots of reasons, all of us face moments of being treated badly and by many kinds of people regardless of gender. The truth is, this is a site and blog about women who have been injured emotionally by the various slights they have faced over the years, and the damage it has done them. Or maybe it was just one relationship, one situation, one job, one moment. Chances are, though, it isn’t just one thing that keeps you reading and nodding inwardly in agreement with me. You’ve been hurt. I get it. I have been, too.
If I sat and listed the number of grievances that I have against others, both men and women, I would find myself in a rather miserly state, for I truly believe that there comes a point when you need to move forward with your life and that requires moving forward with your thinking, too.
What you dwell on matters.
The Power Is In Your Thinking
You cannot, as one of my coaches said a long time ago, be engaged in the creative thinking – or forward thinking and planning – in your life if you’re looking backwards and harboring a lot of inner resentment and anger about who has done or not done this or that to you or for you in the past. I know. I recycle these thoughts and emotions from time to time, and every single time I think about the former business partner that started with me as a volunteer – who took off with my business name and ideas and territory – I seethe. Every time I think about the former lovers who have failed to love me enough – because I loved too much – I ache. Every time I think about the lack of forgiveness on the part of some, which has led me to be extremely hard on myself, in turn, I suffer.
You need to cut the shit and move on.
Sometimes A Little ‘Fight’ Is Just What You Need
And that’s why I like ‘The Fight’ song. It reminds me that some days this is a battle for sanity and a battle for a life of joy…one day at a time, one moment at a time, strung together to look like a lifetime of ‘happiness’, which is really what we want – isn’t it? Happiness.
Well, it doesn’t happen tomorrow. It happens the day, the moment, the second you decide you deserve it. It’s not something someone does for you, gives to you or bestows upon you. It is what you take, own and do. YOU do happiness.
Be Happy – Do Happy
It’s not always easy, though I like to subscribe to what the great Tibetan Buddhist monk Chogyam Trungpa once said to a room of people who were waiting for him when he showed up three hours late. He sat in the room for half an hour as people fumed further at his lack of engagement, so they thought. Then he said, “You could choose to cheer up, you know.” That’s a hard pill to swallow. But it’s fundamentally true. You have to work on your mind. You’ve got to put aside the behavior of others and move past it, blow through it. You’re bigger than that. I am, and I know I am.
For those days when I can’t quite get there…
I like to crank the music loud and let it slough away the crusted life burnt surface of me that is feeling ticked off with the past. I turn a hard corner, and anyone who knows me knows that when I refocus…I drive hard towards my goals. Why? Because I’m a believer in dreams, and I believe I – we – all of us – fundamentally have the RIGHT to be happy. So, that’s what I live for.
So drive hard towards your goals and crank up the happy music. Crank up your fight song!
Life is there for the taking for so many of us. You see people suffering tremendous hardship and they deal with grace. They suffer silently. In a sense, I personally consider it an obligation or a personal challenge to rise above my hardships to demonstrate that I’m bigger than these personal circumstances (when I’ve got enough perspective to put my problems into perspective), for others suffer far worse. It’s not how I always think, but deep down inside…the spiritual part of me knows…there’s a reason I’m alive, and I believe there is a reason each one of us is alive…we’ve got something to deliver and do in this lifespan. We’re not really here forever…in this form.
Keep strong and when you lose your direction, come back to your fight song. Reclaim your life.
As Rachel Platten says, this is your ‘take back my life song’.
What’s next for you? Forget the past. I’m here for you, riding this grand adventure called life with you!!! Get in touch if I can help.
Love,
PS. The third video below is a cover by the US Navy Band – a beautiful tribute to the those who have lost limbs in war. The fourth video begins with a comment about how a young woman was bullied after being an American Idol contestant…who was subsequently bullied on social media for simply…pursuing her dream. Indeed, we must stand up and keep fighting for those dreams. Never stop.
PPS. 25 Famous Women on Anger – great article and quotes.
Fight Song – Rachel Platten
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me